What am I supposed to do in life? The ultimate existential question well known for its anxiety inducing outcome.
Stories have led us to believe that we are all born with a specific purpose. But we’re not told what it is. We spend our lives wandering, stumbling around, trying to do our best. On certain starlight nights spent by ourselves, such existential questions seem starker. What am I doing with my life.
Whatever purpose we’re born with, achieving that is supposedly the goal of our lives. While this somewhat makes sense, it also purports the idea that our purpose is singular. That there is this one elusive thing that you must do to fulfil your life's purpose.
If there is only one true path, then your decisions will be either guide you towards that path or away from it. This makes certain decisions ‘right’, and some of them ‘wrong’. And this is the reason why some of the decisions can bring a lot of fear. And sometimes, in retrospect, regret.
Instead of thinking about life as a quest towards your purpose, it makes sense to think of life as a quest towards your ideal self. And on this quest to your ideal self, there will be many detours, challenges and complicated situations thrown at you. These are designed such that you truly understand and ingrain what you are supposed to be.
So we change the question. From ‘What do I want to do’ to ‘Who do I want to become’.
And this question becomes more manageable. I've always imagined myself as a sportsperson. Playing sports all throughout school and college, I thought of myself as a fit, athletic person. But that was far from the reality. Early working years, I leaned more towards alcohol & smoke and social settings that normalised them. There was no outlet of playing or physical fitness. In my head, I was a healthy person but reality was opposite. I was not on the path to becoming who I wanted to be.
Who do I want to be is not a lifelong question either. It can change based on the seasons of life. Or as our priorities change. In early years of my career, I wanted to become a ‘successful’ person. Earn a lot of money. And everything I did was to prioritise success. Friendships, relationships and even health took a back seat.
Now my priorities are different. I want to focus more on health over excessive work hours. Prioritise relationships and people over chasing more money. Practice craft over a short term business wins. Say no to opportunities that will not allow time, bandwidth or mental place to do those things.
Charting our course of life based on who we want to be is hard. Our identities are built on what we do, not who we are. So is our social status. Who you are and what you do for work are two different things. I still find it hard to clearly differentiate.
But that is exactly what makes it all the more worthwhile. And interesting.